Tuesday, January 17, 2012
School.
Well tonight was Ryans' first parent meeting. My insides were killing me, saying I shouldn't go, so I don't step on any toes. But I am married to his father. So legally I am a "step" mom. So, I went to the meeting. Of course his mother showed up late, after yelling and screaming to us about that there was school today. We didn't say there wasn't. She told us after the meeting she wanted to talk to Martin and me. And that we were going to " love" what she had to say. Well she left early, which made me feel great about myself. I signed up for the winter festival and some other meetings. What is the definition of a step parent?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Forget the one thats always there
I feel like when we have a child, our child will be forgot about, when Ryan comes to see us. Like right now, we get Ryan every other week. I feel like when we have our child, it will be old news when Ryan is around. When Ryan gets older and hits school age, I would assume we would get him for summer, winter, spring type breaks. And because our child will be with us 24/7, will he or she just be there, cause we will be so wrapped up in Ryan. Or does it come natural to know that both children are there?
School
Tomorrow Ryan (my stepson) will start Head Start. Head Start is a school for 3 and 4 year olds. It's pretty cool we have him for his first day of school, picture time!!! It will be a relief on my pocket because no more daycare costs. But it should be a happy time. But in my heart it's not. Annabella will never be able to go to Head Start or a daycare, there won't be first day of school pictures, or new backpacks. I won't be the mother on the registration, I won't be the mommy on the cards or the pictures from school. I thought being married would have made me more like a mother figure. But really all I am is a paycheck. I go to work to get a paycheck, so we can survive. There is no Pam stays home and watches a kid all day. For once in my life, I would love to be a stay at home mommy. To be able to put my name on a paper and legally be the mother. Oh I pray for my rainbow baby.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Annabella's Pictures
We have Annabella's pictures on our wall along with my stepson and some of us on our wall. In our living room we have my work desk with Annabella's box and blanket and urn. I feel like Annabella is my daughter and always will be, she needs to be on my wall, it is only fair. Some friends have come over and said why do I keep her photos up. I guess they think I will heal better if I don't have her stuff around the house like I do. Is it wrong to have my daughters pictures on my walls and her stuff on my desk?
First
This is my first time blogging, so here it goes... My life with Annabella.
It started out as a sunny summer day in August of 2010. A Monday 9:00 appointment to see when I was going to be induced. I did my usual, pee in a cup, weight, and blood pressure, put on a paper gown. The doctor came in and we started to talk about when I wanted to be induced Wednesday night or Thursday morning. Finally, the best was about to come, hearing her heartbeat. I loved how fast it would beat, like a drum in a band. The doctor put the gel on my stomach and moved the doppler, and moved it around again, and my heart stopped, there was no other heartbeat. "What do you mean you can't find it?" I said. My doctor told me to go to the hospital and get checked out.
My husband and I got to the hospital waited 45 minutes before a nurse took me back to a room. She tried to set me up to a monitor to check for the heartbeat. But she couldn't find it either. About 30 minutes later she called for someone to take me to an ultrasound room. In the ultrasound room no one spoke, and the technician took so many pictures, it was like our baby was a model. No noise of a heartbeat came from the computer. They rolled me back to the room, where we waited for the results.
Our nurse came in and said they were moving me, they moved me all the way at the end of the hall in a corner. After about 30 minutes the nurse came back and asked a whole bunch of questions about if I was going to breastfeed or bottle feed, if I smoked, and when I ate last.
Martin and I choose to breastfeed, cause it was better for our baby, and would save some money. I don't smoke, so the nurse was happy about that. I ate breakfast at about 8:30 that morning, and it was already about noon. Then , the nurse left.
About 45 minutes later the same nurse and my doctor came back and my doctor explained that we weren't going to have a baby. He said the ultrasound and monitors showed no signs of fetal heart tones.
I froze, I had no idea what to do. My husband broke down. I stayed calm and called my mom, and she wasn't home so I called my dad, who lives in Minnesota, my dad said she might be at my grandmas. So, I called my grandma she didn't have a clue where my mom was. Finally, I got a hold of my mom, and told her that Annabella had died. She said she would be at the hospital in a second.
Mom got to the hospital and sat with me. She called family and close friends, about 20 people came to comfort us. My brother called from Tallahassee. A social worker from hospice came to talk with me. Martin called his Aunt and grandmother to come to the hospital. They called family to come too. A family friend, Ashley, who was about 34 weeks came to see me. She was so brave, it must have scared her half to death to be there. I couldn't believe she was there, my insides were screaming get out, why are you here?
The phlebotomist came in very excited that we were going to have a baby. No one told him that our baby had died, when I replied to him with a shrug he understood that we didn't receive great and exciting news. I felt bad for him, he probably wanted to die, what was I supposed to say. After he left, a paper with a dove was placed on our door by a different nurse named Cindy. Cindy was so nice and understanding I felt she understood how we felt.
After about an hour my doctor came in and said we had to get started on the inducing process so I could deliver her. He said that he would put in a pill and it would help with softening and getting my body ready for the birth. I had to lay flat on my back for an hour after he put the pill in. From then on, it was a waiting game till she was born.
My doctor came in and explained the process of what was going to happen. I would have a series of 3 more pills and Tuesday morning I would start pushing. They took more blood and more blood. I couldn't eat, the only thing I could have was water and ice chips.
I didn't have a clue what to do, or what to say to family and friends. I was able to walk around, and I found my mom, in a waiting room talking to people she called to let them know what had happened. She and I walked around a bit, and my dad called the hospital, cause my mom called him to let him know what happened to Annabella, I didn't tell him what happened, didn't know how to actually tell she passed away. So, I talked to my dad for a while, he told me ''I am here for you, I love you and everything will be okay, mom is with you.''
It finally started to sink in about Annabella not being alive. I felt like I had let people down, or that I did something wrong in my pregnancy. I felt guilty, for her passing away in me. My mom reassured me that I did nothing wrong to cause this. Which lifted some weight off my shoulders but it was still there.
I was tired,had a headache, tired of being confused, and tired of being tired. People started to leave and mingle down to just my mom, and my husbands' aunt and him. My mom left to go home for a while and get some rest.
It was about 7:45 and my contractions began to hurt so, I chose for the epidural, even though it wasn't in my birthing plan, I wanted to go natural, and be strong like my mom when my brother and I were born. So, I got some pain medicine in my iv till the other doctor got in. That made me sleepy. I remember, cause it was Monday Night RAW. So, I would be sleeping then my contraction would happen at the same time my blood pressure cuff would start and I would wake up cause of the pain, and then when it was over, fall back asleep. Let's say I didn't get to watch a lot of the show.
About 10:25 the doctor came in and I got my epidural. Then, I was up. After about an hour later my boss came to see me, and talk with us. She was a great support team when I was pregnant. Martin said he was going to go home and get Annabella's outfit, so we would be ready when she came in the morning.My doctor said it was okay cause she wasn't going to be here till the morning. So, Shannon said she would stay with me till Martin and his Aunt Sharene got back from going to the house. So, Martin went home with his aunt to get Annabella's outfit she was going to wear.
While he was gone, I got sick from the epidural and Shannon and I thought that because my muscles in my stomach were tightening cause I was sick somehow, my water broke. Shannon told me to check while she went to the bathroom to get a wastebasket. I told Shannon '' Shannon its not just water" I looked at her with wide eyes and like I saw a ghost. Shannon went to get a nurse and I called Martin to turn back cause Annabella was here. While I had Annabella somehow the delivery process also ripped out my catheter.
The nurse came in and Shannon had to stay in the hallway, till she changed the sheets and bedding. The nurse said she was going to have to cut the umbilical cord cause Martin was taking too long. I said " No, he will be here, leave it alone." Martin wasn't allowed in either and he got mad cause I wanted him in the room with me, so he pretty much pushed his way in my room. My mom showed up, just after Martin got to the hospital. My doctor showed up and Martin cut the umbilical cord like what we wanted. My doctor delivered the placenta and went away with it. The nurse wrapped Annabella in a white towel and handed her to me. The nurses were so unprepared that they didn't even have the new born delivery blanket.
I had no clue what to say to anyone, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. I was hoping to hear a miracle and hear a screaming baby, but nothing. I checked out Annabella made sure she had everything she was supposed to have. 10 fingers 10 toes, 2 eyes. Lots of black hair, just like I did when I was born. She had crinkled ears too, just like me. And she had like little water blisters all over her body. Everyone held her, and we took lots of pictures, everyone was still very quiet.
We sent her for her bath,I had to get up and shower and use the bathroom, I felt helpless, I couldn't do anything and I still couldn't feel a whole lot anyway.I felt like a bleeding whale. She came back clean and dressed beautifully in a baby pink crowshayed dress, booties and a cap. Her outfit matched the pink blanket with a matching pink boarder. She had a little diaper and she weighed three pounds 12.6 ounces. She was born August 9, 2010 at 11:47pm. Her hair was so curly and black as can be. We took more pictures. We had her for about 5 hours and she started to get cold and blue.Martin cut some of her hair to put into her baby book. So, I had to do the hardest thing of my life, I had to give her to the nurse and say goodbye. I was so tired and yet I couldn't sleep. I was worried about her. I finally got some sleep probably around 6:00 in the morning and at 7:00 it was shift change so I had to meet the nurse.
It was Cindy she put in saying she wanted to work morning just because of us. So, she could be with us, and talk with us. Cindy gave us a memory box of tokens from the hospital, in the box was her crib card, foot prints, hospital bracelets, little toys that were in her warmer and more foot prints.
Mom showed up with beautiful flowers, so bright and colorful, it was nice to have something living in my room. She also brought papers that I had to sign for Brewer and Son's Funeral home. I had no idea what to say in her obituary and had no clue how much I would have to sign for a baby that never lived outside the womb. We chose to have her cremated so she could always be with us, if we ever moved.
It was time I had to give more blood and pee more. I never had to pee and give blood that much in my entire 22 years of life. I was ready to go home and leave and never come back to the hospital. It was so extremely sad walking out of the hospital empty handed in a way. But I did have my box of tokens and the flowers my mom gave me.
We made it to the van, Martin, his aunt and I didn't say a word. We stopped at a little mom and pop breakfast and lunch place, we made small talk with each other and that was about it. It seemed like if we looked at each other we would explode with tears. We left and made it home. I walked inside the house thinking I should do something to get my head off of having to feed a baby or change a diaper. I thought doing laundry would help so I opened up the dryer only to find Annabella's clothes pre washed just for her. I shut the dryer door and walked outside. Martin and Sharene walked outside with me, no one wanted to be inside. We ended up all taking a nap on the patio furniture.
It started out as a sunny summer day in August of 2010. A Monday 9:00 appointment to see when I was going to be induced. I did my usual, pee in a cup, weight, and blood pressure, put on a paper gown. The doctor came in and we started to talk about when I wanted to be induced Wednesday night or Thursday morning. Finally, the best was about to come, hearing her heartbeat. I loved how fast it would beat, like a drum in a band. The doctor put the gel on my stomach and moved the doppler, and moved it around again, and my heart stopped, there was no other heartbeat. "What do you mean you can't find it?" I said. My doctor told me to go to the hospital and get checked out.
My husband and I got to the hospital waited 45 minutes before a nurse took me back to a room. She tried to set me up to a monitor to check for the heartbeat. But she couldn't find it either. About 30 minutes later she called for someone to take me to an ultrasound room. In the ultrasound room no one spoke, and the technician took so many pictures, it was like our baby was a model. No noise of a heartbeat came from the computer. They rolled me back to the room, where we waited for the results.
Our nurse came in and said they were moving me, they moved me all the way at the end of the hall in a corner. After about 30 minutes the nurse came back and asked a whole bunch of questions about if I was going to breastfeed or bottle feed, if I smoked, and when I ate last.
Martin and I choose to breastfeed, cause it was better for our baby, and would save some money. I don't smoke, so the nurse was happy about that. I ate breakfast at about 8:30 that morning, and it was already about noon. Then , the nurse left.
About 45 minutes later the same nurse and my doctor came back and my doctor explained that we weren't going to have a baby. He said the ultrasound and monitors showed no signs of fetal heart tones.
I froze, I had no idea what to do. My husband broke down. I stayed calm and called my mom, and she wasn't home so I called my dad, who lives in Minnesota, my dad said she might be at my grandmas. So, I called my grandma she didn't have a clue where my mom was. Finally, I got a hold of my mom, and told her that Annabella had died. She said she would be at the hospital in a second.
Mom got to the hospital and sat with me. She called family and close friends, about 20 people came to comfort us. My brother called from Tallahassee. A social worker from hospice came to talk with me. Martin called his Aunt and grandmother to come to the hospital. They called family to come too. A family friend, Ashley, who was about 34 weeks came to see me. She was so brave, it must have scared her half to death to be there. I couldn't believe she was there, my insides were screaming get out, why are you here?
The phlebotomist came in very excited that we were going to have a baby. No one told him that our baby had died, when I replied to him with a shrug he understood that we didn't receive great and exciting news. I felt bad for him, he probably wanted to die, what was I supposed to say. After he left, a paper with a dove was placed on our door by a different nurse named Cindy. Cindy was so nice and understanding I felt she understood how we felt.
After about an hour my doctor came in and said we had to get started on the inducing process so I could deliver her. He said that he would put in a pill and it would help with softening and getting my body ready for the birth. I had to lay flat on my back for an hour after he put the pill in. From then on, it was a waiting game till she was born.
My doctor came in and explained the process of what was going to happen. I would have a series of 3 more pills and Tuesday morning I would start pushing. They took more blood and more blood. I couldn't eat, the only thing I could have was water and ice chips.
I didn't have a clue what to do, or what to say to family and friends. I was able to walk around, and I found my mom, in a waiting room talking to people she called to let them know what had happened. She and I walked around a bit, and my dad called the hospital, cause my mom called him to let him know what happened to Annabella, I didn't tell him what happened, didn't know how to actually tell she passed away. So, I talked to my dad for a while, he told me ''I am here for you, I love you and everything will be okay, mom is with you.''
It finally started to sink in about Annabella not being alive. I felt like I had let people down, or that I did something wrong in my pregnancy. I felt guilty, for her passing away in me. My mom reassured me that I did nothing wrong to cause this. Which lifted some weight off my shoulders but it was still there.
I was tired,had a headache, tired of being confused, and tired of being tired. People started to leave and mingle down to just my mom, and my husbands' aunt and him. My mom left to go home for a while and get some rest.
It was about 7:45 and my contractions began to hurt so, I chose for the epidural, even though it wasn't in my birthing plan, I wanted to go natural, and be strong like my mom when my brother and I were born. So, I got some pain medicine in my iv till the other doctor got in. That made me sleepy. I remember, cause it was Monday Night RAW. So, I would be sleeping then my contraction would happen at the same time my blood pressure cuff would start and I would wake up cause of the pain, and then when it was over, fall back asleep. Let's say I didn't get to watch a lot of the show.
About 10:25 the doctor came in and I got my epidural. Then, I was up. After about an hour later my boss came to see me, and talk with us. She was a great support team when I was pregnant. Martin said he was going to go home and get Annabella's outfit, so we would be ready when she came in the morning.My doctor said it was okay cause she wasn't going to be here till the morning. So, Shannon said she would stay with me till Martin and his Aunt Sharene got back from going to the house. So, Martin went home with his aunt to get Annabella's outfit she was going to wear.
While he was gone, I got sick from the epidural and Shannon and I thought that because my muscles in my stomach were tightening cause I was sick somehow, my water broke. Shannon told me to check while she went to the bathroom to get a wastebasket. I told Shannon '' Shannon its not just water" I looked at her with wide eyes and like I saw a ghost. Shannon went to get a nurse and I called Martin to turn back cause Annabella was here. While I had Annabella somehow the delivery process also ripped out my catheter.
The nurse came in and Shannon had to stay in the hallway, till she changed the sheets and bedding. The nurse said she was going to have to cut the umbilical cord cause Martin was taking too long. I said " No, he will be here, leave it alone." Martin wasn't allowed in either and he got mad cause I wanted him in the room with me, so he pretty much pushed his way in my room. My mom showed up, just after Martin got to the hospital. My doctor showed up and Martin cut the umbilical cord like what we wanted. My doctor delivered the placenta and went away with it. The nurse wrapped Annabella in a white towel and handed her to me. The nurses were so unprepared that they didn't even have the new born delivery blanket.
I had no clue what to say to anyone, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. I was hoping to hear a miracle and hear a screaming baby, but nothing. I checked out Annabella made sure she had everything she was supposed to have. 10 fingers 10 toes, 2 eyes. Lots of black hair, just like I did when I was born. She had crinkled ears too, just like me. And she had like little water blisters all over her body. Everyone held her, and we took lots of pictures, everyone was still very quiet.
We sent her for her bath,I had to get up and shower and use the bathroom, I felt helpless, I couldn't do anything and I still couldn't feel a whole lot anyway.I felt like a bleeding whale. She came back clean and dressed beautifully in a baby pink crowshayed dress, booties and a cap. Her outfit matched the pink blanket with a matching pink boarder. She had a little diaper and she weighed three pounds 12.6 ounces. She was born August 9, 2010 at 11:47pm. Her hair was so curly and black as can be. We took more pictures. We had her for about 5 hours and she started to get cold and blue.Martin cut some of her hair to put into her baby book. So, I had to do the hardest thing of my life, I had to give her to the nurse and say goodbye. I was so tired and yet I couldn't sleep. I was worried about her. I finally got some sleep probably around 6:00 in the morning and at 7:00 it was shift change so I had to meet the nurse.
It was Cindy she put in saying she wanted to work morning just because of us. So, she could be with us, and talk with us. Cindy gave us a memory box of tokens from the hospital, in the box was her crib card, foot prints, hospital bracelets, little toys that were in her warmer and more foot prints.
Mom showed up with beautiful flowers, so bright and colorful, it was nice to have something living in my room. She also brought papers that I had to sign for Brewer and Son's Funeral home. I had no idea what to say in her obituary and had no clue how much I would have to sign for a baby that never lived outside the womb. We chose to have her cremated so she could always be with us, if we ever moved.
It was time I had to give more blood and pee more. I never had to pee and give blood that much in my entire 22 years of life. I was ready to go home and leave and never come back to the hospital. It was so extremely sad walking out of the hospital empty handed in a way. But I did have my box of tokens and the flowers my mom gave me.
We made it to the van, Martin, his aunt and I didn't say a word. We stopped at a little mom and pop breakfast and lunch place, we made small talk with each other and that was about it. It seemed like if we looked at each other we would explode with tears. We left and made it home. I walked inside the house thinking I should do something to get my head off of having to feed a baby or change a diaper. I thought doing laundry would help so I opened up the dryer only to find Annabella's clothes pre washed just for her. I shut the dryer door and walked outside. Martin and Sharene walked outside with me, no one wanted to be inside. We ended up all taking a nap on the patio furniture.
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